Attracted to unavailable gay men

We often hear about emotional unavailability, especially when relationships falter. It often seems like a buzzword to explain a partner's bad behavior. But what does it really mean? A PsychCentral article describes emotional unavailability as a discomfort with feeling emotions, sharing them, or being responsive to others' feelings.

Meanwhile, Urban Dictionary simplifies this as when an emotionally unavailable person struggles to make time for loved ones and creates barriers to intimacy, making their partners feel unloved. The causes of emotional unavailability vary but commonly include insecure attachment styles, personality disorders, and childhood trauma.

Let's dive deeper into these factors. Attachment styles play a significant role in emotional availability. Children who are denied affection and support often develop avoidant attachment styles, leading to independence and difficulty in forming intimate relationships as adults.

Childhood attachment wounds, such as abandonment or neglect, also contribute to emotional unavailability in adulthood as a self-protective measure. Common traits of an emotionally unavailable partner include avoiding commitment, lacking empathy, and getting defensive easily.

Specific behaviors might include inconsistent communication, reluctance to make plans, and difficulty discussing or empathizing with feelings. Dating someone emotionally unavailable can lead to an imbalanced relationship where one partner does all the emotional work, which often results in feelings of insecurity and misunderstanding.

For gay men, childhood trauma often plays a significant role in emotional unavailability. Many of us had to hide our true selves growing up, adhering to a heteronormative mold that felt unnatural. This repression, coupled with potential rejection from family and friends upon coming out, can lead to an avoidant personality as a form of self-protection.

Our relationships with our parents are our first lessons in love. The Gay Therapy Center suggests that if our parents were neglectful or disapproving, we might unconsciously seek similar dynamics in relationships because they feel familiar. Attracted to unavailable gay men if they weren't rejecting, it's likely they couldn't consistently offer the emotional support we needed as gay children.

Additionally, a blog post by Phoenix Men's Counseling claims that our drive to seek emotionally unavailable partners is often influenced by our first or most significant romantic relationship, shaping the expectations we carry into future relationships.

Furthermore, we may also discover that we are emotionally withdrawn if we tend to keep options open, find relationships draining, withhold personal feelings, be attracted to unavailable people, and equate drama with intimacy. From the perspective of gay men, Zachary Zane published an article in Pride in titled 14 Signs You're an Emotionally Unavailable Gay Manwhich provides a few core themes of emotional unavailability:.

According to Choosing Therapygay men seeking to build fulfilling relationships can work to become more vulnerable by:. However, we must also be realistic and evaluate whether this person truly meets our needs. While the excitement of a text or a date might feel thrilling early on, those intense feelings can mask deeper issues.

Consistency in a relationship often brings a more stable and fulfilling kind of excitement, where the butterflies of anxiety are replaced by the comfort of a reliable connection. By prioritizing ourselves attracted to unavailable gay men setting healthy boundaries, we can foster healthier relationships and attract positive people into our lives.

Understanding and Addressing Emotional Unavailability in Gay Men: Causes, Signs, and Solutions

For more information on this topic, listen to Episode Are You Emotionally Unavailable? Tune into your favorite podcast player every Tuesday for new episodes of A Jaded Gay. Sign up to get updates from us A Jaded Gay. Rate on Spotify. Rate on Podchaser.